4 years since I return from a season of my personal awakening; encountering the desire of Jesus for my nation and giving my 'yes' in building Him a resting place in this little red-dot. Time flew by just like this and it felt as though everything happened only yesterday.
The past 4 years were filled with many memorable moments in our journey as well as challenging season where our faith were put to test and we have to learn to remain steadfast in holding on to the promises of God. Many sacrifices were made in living out an abnormal life; where everything I do revolves around prayer and worship which became my expression of building God a resting place. We have toiled the ground through engaging the hearts of God's people in this nation. It felt as though everything that we had done was to sow into what Abba desire to do in our Nation's 50 (jubilee); to awaken Singapore to become His resting place.
With all the effort I could give to fulfil the desire of God, I also realised that along the way I got too caught up with much of the doing and lost sight of Him. I am thankful that even in my weakness and failing, He did not lose heart on me. Instead He did it again to pursue me like how He did it when I was 15 and 26.
I didn't realised how weary, tired and disconnected I was until Josiah Assembly ended. I was feeling discouraged and disappointed with myself and my heart was struggling to find my grid. Constantly I felt that I need to put up a front to meet the expectations of what people esteem me to be after becoming more visible in that 4 years of public ministry; from a "preacher" to a "prophetic voice", from an "up & coming young leader" to a "movement leader" among the young.
Unknowingly, I tried so hard to be what people has recognised me to be and unknowingly, I've made them my anchor and identity. Whenever I fail to meet up to these expectations, I felt horribly discouraged and disappointed with myself and even with God. I began to question Him why didn't He make me a certain way. My heart became so restless that I wanted to just hide and not do a thing.
In the midst of my barrenness, I reluctantly participated in "The Singapore Gathering" as one of the discerner in the gathering. For me to go for something like this, I know that I've got to put on that front again to be that "amazing emerging leader" when my heart was so crushed and dulled by disappointment with self and God.
To my surprise, I didn't felt the need to put on that front. The atmosphere and environment was unusually safe and liberating. Somehow I found rest in my soul by simply immersing myself in atmosphere of celebration. It felt like family who came together with one purpose; which is to worship the Father. Our expectation isn't on any particular person but the Holy Spirit Himself leading us in our meeting and our job and role is to simply honour and love one another.
During one of the session, I felt that the Lord spoke to my heart in the midst of an intimate moment of worship. He said, "Jason, this is my dwelling place, my home. I find rest in a house filled with sons and daughters who enjoy coming together in harmony with unity in their diversity, loving on me and Me on them."
At that moment, I came to a realisation He isn't looking for the leader or the preacher, or the apostle or prophet or pastor. He is looking for His sons and daughters who will love Him and learning to love and honour one another as brothers and sisters.
A season (In Singapore, Burning Hearts and even my own personal life for the past 4 years) is coming to a landing, I did my best to do all I could as a leader, preacher, a voice or even a movement leader to build Him a resting place in Singapore. In this coming season, I know it is time for my heart to come home again. Home is where our heart is and the home for our heart was made to be found in the Bosom of my Father that burns with an unending flame of love; to be the son He yearned for since eternity. Will you let your heart find home again - Not in your career and achievements, neither in your gifting and ministry, but in His love for you that burns with desire.